You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
