the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
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i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
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I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
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