I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Send help, water and tortillas.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
