so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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