I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
