Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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