I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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