you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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