I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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