Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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