He kissed a someone with a penis
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
