You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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