Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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