I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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