Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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