yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I wish I only lived at night.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
