just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
