I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
3 2 1 whiskey
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
