So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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