My sheets look like a crime scene.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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