The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
