Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
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Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize