my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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