girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
