not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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