i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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