I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
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Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
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I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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