my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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