I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Are we still banned from the library?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
