I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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