i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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