Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
