Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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