He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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