i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
