Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
