I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
