is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
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She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
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I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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