I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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