Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
