My Higher Power is John Stamos
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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