Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
