I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
