Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
