last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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