Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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