Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
