I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
