weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
