The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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