Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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