just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
