you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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