Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Go christen that room with your naked body.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
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