I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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