Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
