i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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