My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
