I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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