Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
