Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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