I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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