I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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