wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
