Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
